This is not my usual post. But I hope you will bear with me for what’s to come for this space. Before I tell you that, I have to give you a background (which you may or may not know).
I was lost for a long time. It started when I became disillusioned with medical litigation. Actually, it probably started before then. However, at a very defined point when I had been litigating non-stop for nearly two decades, I realized I was burnt out and highly frustrated. After reviewing millions of pages of medical records in that time, and meeting thousands of injured people, I became keenly aware that the system was a set-up for profit. Nobody was being cured; nor was their a desire to cure. There was money to be made in sickness.
I have always had a strong sense of justice. When I thought I was doing the right thing and helping people, I had a lot of passion and zeal for my job. However, when I realized it became more about playing a game rather than helping. I knew I had to get out, even if I didn’t know what was next.
About the same time of my disillusionment, one of my clients died. She was a young OB/GYN who got ovarian cancer. She left behind her high school sweetheart and two very small children. Several months before she died we had talked and she told me she wished she could leave her job to do something different. “What would you do?” I asked. “Paint!” she responded with joy. “I want to open a little store and have painting parties”. That dream went unrealized, and that made me even sadder.
I identified with the desire to do something different. I had always wanted to do a lot of things, and at that point I had only done one thing. I had accomplished what I wanted. I had grown. It was time to move on.
So I left. People around me thought I was losing my mind when I decided to open a bakery with my sister. I was ousted from my legal circles and friend groups because of it. Now I am able to look back and realize they weren’t really friends. But at the time, it was really hard to see that. I opened the bakery and went into hiding mode. But I couldn’t hide for long because our little bakery became so popular that we became widely known for our hand-crafted pastries. In fact, we even expanded with nationwide shipping.
After a decade of bakery ownership, it was time to close. The pandemic had worn us out and changed what we had started. It wasn’t all bad, just different. Ingredient quality was changing quickly, and I am not one to compromise quality for profit. Also, vendor prices and rent were increasing greatly. How people shopped became different too.
I had always kept a side legal consulting practice, but I struggled with what to do next. The sensible decision would be to go back to a full time career in the law. It’s what I think my husband secretly thinks I should do. The lure of stable income is great. But every fiber of my being rallied against that. It was time to really help people. To make a difference. That’s why I started my podcast in the first place. I just needed to get out of my head. The idea that I’m not good enough, and that everything needs to be perfect, are limiting beliefs that often stall me.
I enjoy what I am doing here, but I acknowledge that there hasn’t been any consistency. Same goes with my podcast and newsletters. Up until now, it’s been an impassioned hobby.
My happiness for several years was deeply affected by the war between my mind (about returning to a career I stopped belonging in), and my soul yearns to make a difference while doing what I love. That war was so exhausting.
I am finally releasing myself of the war waged between my mind and my soul.
The release was unexpectedly sudden. Of course that’s all relative depending on how you look at it due to my years of struggle on this issue. Sudden, as there came a day when I was just over it.
I got a job interview as the attorney for a company neither food nor medical related. I perseverated for days about it. Then, on the day of the interview, the company recruiter missed our appointment time. I felt overjoyed. My relief was so immense it was telling to me. I woke up the next day and was so darn happy that I knew the war had ended.
I realized that the peace I feel doing what I love has more value than a paycheck. I’ve talked about taking a slow season before I started this blog in Embracing My Slow Season. When I allowed the release to consume me, the peaceful feeling that I had felt in that slow season returned again. I welcomed it with open arms.
Recently I learned about the passing of a very dear friend. After a four year battle, cancer finally claimed her. She didn’t lose to cancer, however. In those four years she wrote a book, grew a business, and helped countless people. In my mind, she was a warrior that won. It inspired me. I knew then that I had been wasting time. The moment has arrived to jump all in.
Going full time on The Food Stoic is kinda like burning all the boats. I finally feel settled.
I wake up every day excited for it to begin. My mind and heart are in the same place. I am working on things that require my experiences in law, medicine and food. Every morning, I walk in the sunrise, and then sip my coffee by the pond. I have the time to research all the things, tend to my garden and make home-cooked food. In fact, we rarely go out. I’m living according to nature and loving it. We weren’t meant to sit in artificially lit offices all day and stress over deadlines. My soul was leading me in the right way all along.
This is not to say, my life is perfect. I am building my podcast into a business and it’s not easy. However, I now know that what I am working on doesn’t have to be perfect before I send it out into the world. It’s important just to get the information out.
So here’s what I have planned:
- A new season of the Harvesting the Truth podcast will be launching soon. Stay tuned for the date! Episodes will still launch on Tuesdays (and only Tuesdays). I will have guest episodes and solo episodes.
- I’ll post here every Wednesday. I want to have a day you can count on to check in. Also, I’m going to share more about what I am working on and stress less about what I am posting.
- I’ll send out my Skin Wise newsletter every Thursday. Skin health is such an important part of my life now. Moreover, it affects everybody. My work in skincare is something I definitely want to focus on.
So does this mean that I will no longer send out my Five For Food newsletter? I haven’t decided. It takes quite a bit of time to put the newsletter together. Right now, I feel called to slow down and stop doing all the things. My focus is going to be more consistency with the podcast and this blog. So if you loved the newsletter, I encourage you to subscribe to Skin Wise, the podcast and this blog. Honestly, the information won’t change!
When my son was very little we would drive down Route 25 along the Fox river to his sitter’s house. He would excitedly exclaim, “Mama, river behind the trees!” I have no idea how he knew that because he definitely couldn’t see the river from the road. There was a heavily wooded area and a nature preserve blocking it. I would respond, “That’s right, Nicholas!” This memory is one I will cherish forever.
My son’s simplistic take on the river exiting beyond the trees even if you cannot see it, is one we can all remember in times we feel lost and confused. As adults, we over-complicate everything. It’s not our fault, it’s simply the way life is. While in the thick of it, we often lose faith in what we cannot see. Our mind tells us to give up, that we will never find it. But persistence is something the ego cannot steal if we don’t let it. If we tune into our soul, hang onto hope, and keep walking, we will discover that the river does exist beyond the trees. Beauty emerges from darkness.
Thanks for reading this far. I am excited to devote myself to more as The Food Stoic!
